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Shakespeare

Merry Wives of Windsor, The

Act 1

#Scene 1

Windsor. Before PAGE's house.

#[Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Robert Shallow. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir JohnFalstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.

#Slender. In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and'Coram.'

#Robert Shallow. Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum.

#Slender. Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born,master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in anybill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.'

#Robert Shallow. Ay, that I do; and have done any time these threehundred years.

#Slender. All his successors gone before him hath done't; andall his ancestors that come after him may: they maygive the dozen white luces in their coat.

#Robert Shallow. It is an old coat.

#Sir Hugh Evans. The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast toman, and signifies love.

#Robert Shallow. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.

#Slender. I may quarter, coz.

#Robert Shallow. You may, by marrying.

#Sir Hugh Evans. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

#Robert Shallow. Not a whit.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,there is but three skirts for yourself, in mysimple conjectures: but that is all one. If SirJohn Falstaff have committed disparagements untoyou, I am of the church, and will be glad to do mybenevolence to make atonements and compremisesbetween you.

#Robert Shallow. The council shall bear it; it is a riot.

#Sir Hugh Evans. It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is nofear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shalldesire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear ariot; take your vizaments in that.

#Robert Shallow. Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the swordshould end it.

#Sir Hugh Evans. It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:and there is also another device in my prain, whichperadventure prings goot discretions with it: thereis Anne Page, which is daughter to Master ThomasPage, which is pretty virginity.

#Slender. Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speakssmall like a woman.

#Sir Hugh Evans. It is that fery person for all the orld, as just asyou will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon hisdeath's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!--give, when she is able to overtake seventeen yearsold: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribblesand prabbles, and desire a marriage between MasterAbraham and Mistress Anne Page.

#Slender. Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?

#Sir Hugh Evans. Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.

#Slender. I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.

#Robert Shallow. Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?

#Sir Hugh Evans. Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I dodespise one that is false, or as I despise one thatis not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, Ibeseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I willpeat the door for Master Page.[Knocks]What, hoa! Got pless your house here!

#Page. [Within] Who's there?

#[Enter PAGE]

#Sir Hugh Evans. Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and JusticeShallow; and here young Master Slender, thatperadventures shall tell you another tale, ifmatters grow to your likings.

#Page. I am glad to see your worships well.I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.

#Robert Shallow. Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do ityour good heart! I wished your venison better; itwas ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and Ithank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.

#Page. Sir, I thank you.

#Robert Shallow. Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.

#Page. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

#Slender. How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say hewas outrun on Cotsall.

#Page. It could not be judged, sir.

#Slender. You'll not confess, you'll not confess.

#Robert Shallow. That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault;'tis a good dog.

#Page. A cur, sir.

#Robert Shallow. Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there bemore said? he is good and fair. Is Sir JohnFalstaff here?

#Page. Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a goodoffice between you.

#Sir Hugh Evans. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

#Robert Shallow. He hath wronged me, Master Page.

#Page. Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.

#Robert Shallow. If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not thatso, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed hehath, at a word, he hath, believe me: RobertShallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.

#Page. Here comes Sir John.

#[Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL]

#Falstaff. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?

#Robert Shallow. Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, andbroke open my lodge.

#Falstaff. But not kissed your keeper's daughter?

#Robert Shallow. Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.

#Falstaff. I will answer it straight; I have done all this.That is now answered.

#Robert Shallow. The council shall know this.

#Falstaff. 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:you'll be laughed at.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.

#Falstaff. Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke yourhead: what matter have you against me?

#Slender. Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,Nym, and Pistol.

#Bardolph. You Banbury cheese!

#Slender. Ay, it is no matter.

#Pistol. How now, Mephostophilus!

#Slender. Ay, it is no matter.

#Nym. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour.

#Slender. Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

#Sir Hugh Evans. Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There isthree umpires in this matter, as I understand; thatis, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there ismyself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.

#Page. We three, to hear it and end it between them.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause withas great discreetly as we can.

#Falstaff. Pistol!

#Pistol. He hears with ears.

#Sir Hugh Evans. The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'Hehears with ear'? why, it is affectations.

#Falstaff. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?

#Slender. Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I mightnever come in mine own great chamber again else, ofseven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edwardshovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and twopence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.

#Falstaff. Is this true, Pistol?

#Sir Hugh Evans. No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.

#Pistol. Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.Word of denial in thy labras here!Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!

#Slender. By these gloves, then, 'twas he.

#Nym. Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook'shumour on me; that is the very note of it.

#Slender. By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; forthough I cannot remember what I did when you made medrunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.

#Falstaff. What say you, Scarlet and John?

#Bardolph. Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunkhimself out of his five sentences.

#Sir Hugh Evans. It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!

#Bardolph. And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; andso conclusions passed the careires.

#Slender. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis nomatter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that havethe fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.

#Sir Hugh Evans. So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.

#Falstaff. You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.[Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD]and MISTRESS PAGE, following]

#Page. Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.

#[Exit ANNE PAGE]

#Slender. O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.

#Page. How now, Mistress Ford!

#Falstaff. Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:by your leave, good mistress.

#[Kisses her]

#Page. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have ahot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hopewe shall drink down all unkindness.

#[Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Slender. I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book ofSongs and Sonnets here.[Enter SIMPLE]How now, Simple! where have you been? I must waiton myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddlesabout you, have you?

#Simple. Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to AliceShortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnightafore Michaelmas?

#Robert Shallow. Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word withyou, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, atender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hughhere. Do you understand me?

#Slender. Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,I shall do that that is reason.

#Robert Shallow. Nay, but understand me.

#Slender. So I do, sir.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I willdescription the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.

#Slender. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I prayyou, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in hiscountry, simple though I stand here.

#Sir Hugh Evans. But that is not the question: the question isconcerning your marriage.

#Robert Shallow. Ay, there's the point, sir.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.

#Slender. Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon anyreasonable demands.

#Sir Hugh Evans. But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command toknow that of your mouth or of your lips; for diversphilosophers hold that the lips is parcel of themouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry yourgood will to the maid?

#Robert Shallow. Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

#Slender. I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one thatwould do reason.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speakpossitable, if you can carry her your desirestowards her.

#Robert Shallow. That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?

#Slender. I will do a greater thing than that, upon yourrequest, cousin, in any reason.

#Robert Shallow. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I dois to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?

#Slender. I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if therebe no great love in the beginning, yet heaven maydecrease it upon better acquaintance, when we aremarried and have more occasion to know one another;I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; thatI am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.

#Sir Hugh Evans. It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is inthe ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to ourmeaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good.

#Robert Shallow. Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

#Slender. Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

#Robert Shallow. Here comes fair Mistress Anne.[Re-enter ANNE PAGE]Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!

#Anne Page. The dinner is on the table; my father desires yourworships' company.

#Robert Shallow. I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.

#[Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Anne Page. Will't please your worship to come in, sir?

#Slender. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.

#Anne Page. The dinner attends you, sir.

#Slender. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon mycousin Shallow.[Exit SIMPLE]A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to hisfriend for a man. I keep but three men and a boyyet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet Ilive like a poor gentleman born.

#Anne Page. I may not go in without your worship: they will notsit till you come.

#Slender. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much asthough I did.

#Anne Page. I pray you, sir, walk in.

#Slender. I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruisedmy shin th' other day with playing at sword anddagger with a master of fence; three veneys for adish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannotabide the smell of hot meat since. Why do yourdogs bark so? be there bears i' the town?

#Anne Page. I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.

#Slender. I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel atit as any man in England. You are afraid, if you seethe bear loose, are you not?

#Anne Page. Ay, indeed, sir.

#Slender. That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seenSackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him bythe chain; but, I warrant you, the women have socried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favoredrough things.

#[Re-enter PAGE]

#Page. Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.

#Slender. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

#Page. By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.

#Slender. Nay, pray you, lead the way.

#Page. Come on, sir.

#Slender. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

#Anne Page. Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.

#Slender. I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 2

The same.

#[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE]

#Sir Hugh Evans. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house whichis the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly,which is in the manner of his nurse, or his drynurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, andhis wringer.

#Simple. Well, sir.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for itis a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance withMistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desireand require her to solicit your master's desires toMistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I willmake an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.

#[Exeunt] [Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL,] and ROBIN]

#Scene 3

A room in the Garter Inn.

#Falstaff. Mine host of the Garter!

#Host. What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.

#Falstaff. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of myfollowers.

#Host. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.

#Falstaff. I sit at ten pounds a week.

#Host. Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. Iwill entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shalltap: said I well, bully Hector?

#Falstaff. Do so, good mine host.

#Host. I have spoke; let him follow.[To BARDOLPH]Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.

#[Exit]

#Falstaff. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a witheredserving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.

#Bardolph. It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.

#Pistol. O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?

#[Exit BARDOLPH]

#Nym. He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?

#Falstaff. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: histhefts were too open; his filching was like anunskilful singer; he kept not time.

#Nym. The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.

#Pistol. 'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a ficofor the phrase!

#Falstaff. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

#Pistol. Why, then, let kibes ensue.

#Falstaff. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.

#Pistol. Young ravens must have food.

#Falstaff. Which of you know Ford of this town?

#Pistol. I ken the wight: he is of substance good.

#Falstaff. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

#Pistol. Two yards, and more.

#Falstaff. No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist twoyards about; but I am now about no waste; I am aboutthrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford'swife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: Ican construe the action of her familiar style; andthe hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englishedrightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'

#Pistol. He hath studied her will, and translated her will,out of honesty into English.

#Nym. The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?

#Falstaff. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of herhusband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.

#Pistol. As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.

#Nym. The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.

#Falstaff. I have writ me here a letter to her: and hereanother to Page's wife, who even now gave me goodeyes too, examined my parts with most judiciousoeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded myfoot, sometimes my portly belly.

#Pistol. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

#Nym. I thank thee for that humour.

#Falstaff. O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such agreedy intention, that the appetite of her eye didseem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here'sanother letter to her: she bears the purse too; sheis a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I willbe cheater to them both, and they shall beexchequers to me; they shall be my East and WestIndies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thouthis letter to Mistress Page; and thou this toMistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

#Pistol. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!

#Nym. I will run no base humour: here, take thehumour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.

#Falstaff. [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.

#[Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN]

#Pistol. Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,Base Phrygian Turk!

#Nym. I have operations which be humours of revenge.

#Pistol. Wilt thou revenge?

#Nym. By welkin and her star!

#Pistol. With wit or steel?

#Nym. With both the humours, I:I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.

#Pistol. And I to Ford shall eke unfoldHow Falstaff, varlet vile,His dove will prove, his gold will hold,And his soft couch defile.

#Nym. My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page todeal with poison; I will possess him withyellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:that is my true humour.

#Pistol. Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 4

A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.

#[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY]

#Hostess Quickly. What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,and see if you can see my master, Master DoctorCaius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing ofGod's patience and the king's English.

#Rugby. I'll go watch.

#Hostess Quickly. Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, infaith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.[Exit RUGBY]An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servantshall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, notell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,that he is given to prayer; he is something peevishthat way: but nobody but has his fault; but letthat pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?

#Simple. Ay, for fault of a better.

#Hostess Quickly. And Master Slender's your master?

#Simple. Ay, forsooth.

#Hostess Quickly. Does he not wear a great round beard, like aglover's paring-knife?

#Simple. No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with alittle yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.

#Hostess Quickly. A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

#Simple. Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his handsas any is between this and his head; he hath foughtwith a warrener.

#Hostess Quickly. How say you? O, I should remember him: does he nothold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

#Simple. Yes, indeed, does he.

#Hostess Quickly. Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! TellMaster Parson Evans I will do what I can for yourmaster: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--

#[Re-enter RUGBY]

#Rugby. Out, alas! here comes my master.

#Hostess Quickly. We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;go into this closet: he will not stay long.[Shuts SIMPLE in the closet]What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubthe be not well, that he comes not home.[Singing]And down, down, adown-a, &c.

#[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS]

#Doctor Caius. Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.

#Hostess Quickly. Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.[Aside]I am glad he went not in himself: if he had foundthe young man, he would have been horn-mad.

#Doctor Caius. Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Jem'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.

#Hostess Quickly. Is it this, sir?

#Doctor Caius. Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vereis dat knave Rugby?

#Hostess Quickly. What, John Rugby! John!

#Rugby. Here, sir!

#Doctor Caius. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

#Rugby. 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

#Doctor Caius. By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

#Hostess Quickly. Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!

#Doctor Caius. O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron![Pulling SIMPLE out]Rugby, my rapier!

#Hostess Quickly. Good master, be content.

#Doctor Caius. Wherefore shall I be content-a?

#Hostess Quickly. The young man is an honest man.

#Doctor Caius. What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere isno honest man dat shall come in my closet.

#Hostess Quickly. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truthof it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

#Doctor Caius. Vell.

#Simple. Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--

#Hostess Quickly. Peace, I pray you.

#Doctor Caius. Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.

#Simple. To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, tospeak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for mymaster in the way of marriage.

#Hostess Quickly. This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put myfinger in the fire, and need not.

#Doctor Caius. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.Tarry you a little-a while.

#[Writes]

#Hostess Quickly. [Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if hehad been thoroughly moved, you should have heard himso loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,man, I'll do you your master what good I can: andthe very yea and the no is, the French doctor, mymaster,--I may call him my master, look you, for Ikeep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and doall myself,--

#Simple. [Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge tocome under one body's hand.

#Hostess Quickly. [Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? youshall find it a great charge: and to be up earlyand down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you inyour ear; I would have no words of it,--my masterhimself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: butnotwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that'sneither here nor there.

#Doctor Caius. You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; bygar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in deepark; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priestto meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not goodyou tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his twostones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throwat his dog:

#[Exit SIMPLE]

#Hostess Quickly. Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

#Doctor Caius. It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a medat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, Ivill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed minehost of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, Iwill myself have Anne Page.

#Hostess Quickly. Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. Wemust give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!

#Doctor Caius. Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I havenot Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of mydoor. Follow my heels, Rugby.

#[Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY]

#Hostess Quickly. You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, Iknow Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsorknows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do morethan I do with her, I thank heaven.

#Fenton. [Within] Who's within there? ho!

#Hostess Quickly. Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.

#[Enter FENTON]

#Fenton. How now, good woman? how dost thou?

#Hostess Quickly. The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

#Fenton. What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?

#Hostess Quickly. In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, andgentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell youthat by the way; I praise heaven for it.

#Fenton. Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?

#Hostess Quickly. Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: butnotwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on abook, she loves you. Have not your worship a wartabove your eye?

#Fenton. Yes, marry, have I; what of that?

#Hostess Quickly. Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is suchanother Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as everbroke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. Ishall never laugh but in that maid's company! Butindeed she is given too much to allicholy andmusing: but for you--well, go to.

#Fenton. Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's moneyfor thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: ifthou seest her before me, commend me.

#Hostess Quickly. Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell yourworship more of the wart the next time we haveconfidence; and of other wooers.

#Fenton. Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.

#Hostess Quickly. Farewell to your worship.[Exit FENTON]Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Outupon't! what have I forgot?

#[Exit]

Act 2

#Scene 1

Before PAGE'S house.

#[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter]

#Mistress Page. What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?Let me see.[Reads]'Ask me no reason why I love you; for thoughLove use Reason for his physician, he admits himnot for his counsellor. You are not young, no moream I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: youlove sack, and so do I; would you desire bettersympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--atthe least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tisnot a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,Thine own true knight,By day or night,Or any kind of light,With all his mightFor thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wickedworld! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces withage to show himself a young gallant! What anunweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkardpicked--with the devil's name!--out of myconversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! Whatshould I say to him? I was then frugal of mymirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a billin the parliament for the putting down of men. Howshall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

#[Enter MISTRESS FORD]

#Mistress Ford. Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.

#Mistress Page. And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look veryill.

#Mistress Ford. Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.

#Mistress Page. Faith, but you do, in my mind.

#Mistress Ford. Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to thecontrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!

#Mistress Page. What's the matter, woman?

#Mistress Ford. O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, Icould come to such honour!

#Mistress Page. Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What isit? dispense with trifles; what is it?

#Mistress Ford. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,I could be knighted.

#Mistress Page. What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knightswill hack; and so thou shouldst not alter thearticle of thy gentry.

#Mistress Ford. We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how Imight be knighted. I shall think the worse of fatmen, as long as I have an eye to make difference ofmen's liking: and yet he would not swear; praisedwomen's modesty; and gave such orderly andwell-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that Iwould have sworn his disposition would have gone tothe truth of his words; but they do no more adhereand keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm tothe tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in hisbelly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revengedon him? I think the best way were to entertain himwith hope, till the wicked fire of lust have meltedhim in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

#Mistress Page. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page andFord differs! To thy great comfort in this mysteryof ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thyletter: but let thine inherit first; for, Iprotest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath athousand of these letters, writ with blank space fordifferent names--sure, more,--and these are of thesecond edition: he will print them, out of doubt;for he cares not what he puts into the press, whenhe would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find youtwenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

#Mistress Ford. Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the verywords. What doth he think of us?

#Mistress Page. Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready towrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertainmyself like one that I am not acquainted withal;for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that Iknow not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.

#Mistress Ford. 'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep himabove deck.

#Mistress Page. So will I. if he come under my hatches, I'll neverto sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let'sappoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort inhis suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.

#Mistress Ford. Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,that my husband saw this letter! it would giveeternal food to his jealousy.

#Mistress Page. Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he'sas far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.

#Mistress Ford. You are the happier woman.

#Mistress Page. Let's consult together against this greasy knight.Come hither.

#[They retire]

#[Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM]

#Ford. Well, I hope it be not so.

#Pistol. Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:Sir John affects thy wife.

#Ford. Why, sir, my wife is not young.

#Pistol. He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,Both young and old, one with another, Ford;He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.

#Ford. Love my wife!

#Pistol. With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:O, odious is the name!

#Ford. What name, sir?

#Pistol. The horn, I say. Farewell.Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.Away, Sir Corporal Nym!Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.

#[Exit]

#Ford. [Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.

#Nym. [To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humourof lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: Ishould have borne the humoured letter to her; but Ihave a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tistrue: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,and there's the humour of it. Adieu.

#[Exit]

#Page. 'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellowfrights English out of his wits.

#Ford. I will seek out Falstaff.

#Page. I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

#Ford. If I do find it: well.

#Page. I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priesto' the town commended him for a true man.

#Ford. 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.

#Page. How now, Meg!

#[MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward]

#Mistress Page. Whither go you, George? Hark you.

#Mistress Ford. How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?

#Ford. I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.

#Mistress Ford. Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,will you go, Mistress Page?

#Mistress Page. Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.[Aside to MISTRESS FORD]Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messengerto this paltry knight.

#Mistress Ford. [Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:she'll fit it.

#[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]

#Mistress Page. You are come to see my daughter Anne?

#Hostess Quickly. Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?

#Mistress Page. Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk withyou.

#[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY]

#Page. How now, Master Ford!

#Ford. You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

#Page. Yes: and you heard what the other told me?

#Ford. Do you think there is truth in them?

#Page. Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight wouldoffer it: but these that accuse him in his intenttowards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;very rogues, now they be out of service.

#Ford. Were they his men?

#Page. Marry, were they.

#Ford. I like it never the better for that. Does he lie atthe Garter?

#Page. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyagetowards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; andwhat he gets more of her than sharp words, let itlie on my head.

#Ford. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath toturn them together. A man may be too confident: Iwould have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.

#Page. Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:there is either liquor in his pate or money in hispurse when he looks so merrily.[Enter Host]How now, mine host!

#Host. How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.Cavaleiro-justice, I say!

#[Enter SHALLOW]

#Robert Shallow. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even andtwenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you gowith us? we have sport in hand.

#Host. Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.

#Robert Shallow. Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hughthe Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

#Ford. Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.

#[Drawing him aside]

#Host. What sayest thou, my bully-rook?

#Robert Shallow. [To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? Mymerry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.

#[They converse apart]

#Host. Hast thou no suit against my knight, myguest-cavaleire?

#Ford. None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle ofburnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell himmy name is Brook; only for a jest.

#Host. My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It isa merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?

#Robert Shallow. Have with you, mine host.

#Page. I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill inhis rapier.

#Robert Shallow. Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these timesyou stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, andI know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tishere, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my longsword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.

#Host. Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?

#Page. Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.

#[Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE]

#Ford. Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmlyon his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off myopinion so easily: she was in his company at Page'shouse; and what they made there, I know not. Well,I will look further into't: and I have a disguiseto sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose notmy labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.

#[Exit]

#Scene 2

A room in the Garter Inn.

#[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL]

#Falstaff. I will not lend thee a penny.

#Pistol. Why, then the world's mine oyster.Which I with sword will open.

#Falstaff. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you shouldlay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon mygood friends for three reprieves for you and yourcoach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked throughthe grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned inhell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you weregood soldiers and tall fellows; and when MistressBridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't uponmine honour thou hadst it not.

#Pistol. Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?

#Falstaff. Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'llendanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no moreabout me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knifeand a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! youstand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinablebaseness, it is as much as I can do to keep theterms of my honour precise: I, I, I myselfsometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left handand hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain toshuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountainlooks, your red-lattice phrases, and yourbold-beating oaths, under the shelter of yourhonour! You will not do it, you!

#Pistol. I do relent: what would thou more of man?

#[Enter ROBIN]

#Robin. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

#Falstaff. Let her approach.

#[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]

#Hostess Quickly. Give your worship good morrow.

#Falstaff. Good morrow, good wife.

#Hostess Quickly. Not so, an't please your worship.

#Falstaff. Good maid, then.

#Hostess Quickly. I'll be sworn,As my mother was, the first hour I was born.

#Falstaff. I do believe the swearer. What with me?

#Hostess Quickly. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

#Falstaff. Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe theethe hearing.

#Hostess Quickly. There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come alittle nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with masterDoctor Caius,--

#Falstaff. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--

#Hostess Quickly. Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,come a little nearer this ways.

#Falstaff. I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mineown people.

#Hostess Quickly. Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!

#Falstaff. Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?

#Hostess Quickly. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! yourworship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and allof us, I pray!

#Falstaff. Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--

#Hostess Quickly. Marry, this is the short and the long of it; youhave brought her into such a canaries as 'tiswonderful. The best courtier of them all, when thecourt lay at Windsor, could never have brought herto such a canary. Yet there has been knights, andlords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrantyou, coach after coach, letter after letter, giftafter gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and sorushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and insuch alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar ofthe best and the fairest, that would have won anywoman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could neverget an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angelsgiven me this morning; but I defy all angels, inany such sort, as they say, but in the way ofhonesty: and, I warrant you, they could never gether so much as sip on a cup with the proudest ofthem all: and yet there has been earls, nay, whichis more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.

#Falstaff. But what says she to me? be brief, my goodshe-Mercury.

#Hostess Quickly. Marry, she hath received your letter, for the whichshe thanks you a thousand times; and she gives youto notify that her husband will be absence from hishouse between ten and eleven.

#Falstaff. Ten and eleven?

#Hostess Quickly. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see thepicture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweetwoman leads an ill life with him: he's a veryjealousy man: she leads a very frampold life withhim, good heart.

#Falstaff. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I willnot fail her.

#Hostess Quickly. Why, you say well. But I have another messenger toyour worship. Mistress Page hath her heartycommendations to you too: and let me tell you inyour ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, andone, I tell you, that will not miss you morning norevening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be theother: and she bade me tell your worship that herhusband is seldom from home; but she hopes therewill come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upona man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.

#Falstaff. Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of mygood parts aside I have no other charms.

#Hostess Quickly. Blessing on your heart for't!

#Falstaff. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife andPage's wife acquainted each other how they love me?

#Hostess Quickly. That were a jest indeed! they have not so littlegrace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! butMistress Page would desire you to send her yourlittle page, of all loves: her husband has amarvellous infection to the little page; and trulyMaster Page is an honest man. Never a wife inWindsor leads a better life than she does: do whatshe will, say what she will, take all, pay all, goto bed when she list, rise when she list, all is asshe will: and truly she deserves it; for if therebe a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You mustsend her your page; no remedy.

#Falstaff. Why, I will.

#Hostess Quickly. Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come andgo between you both; and in any case have anay-word, that you may know one another's mind, andthe boy never need to understand any thing; for'tis not good that children should know anywickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,as they say, and know the world.

#Falstaff. Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there'smy purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along withthis woman.[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN]This news distracts me!

#Pistol. This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!

#[Exit]

#Falstaff. Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll makemore of thy old body than I have done. Will theyyet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expenseof so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, Ithank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it befairly done, no matter.

#[Enter BARDOLPH]

#Bardolph. Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fainspeak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hathsent your worship a morning's draught of sack.

#Falstaff. Brook is his name?

#Bardolph. Ay, sir.

#Falstaff. Call him in.[Exit BARDOLPH]Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow suchliquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Pagehave I encompassed you? go to; via!

#[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised]

#Ford. Bless you, sir!

#Falstaff. And you, sir! Would you speak with me?

#Ford. I make bold to press with so little preparation uponyou.

#Falstaff. You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.

#[Exit BARDOLPH]

#Ford. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.

#Falstaff. Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.

#Ford. Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;for I must let you understand I think myself inbetter plight for a lender than you are: the whichhath something embolden'd me to this unseasonedintrusion; for they say, if money go before, allways do lie open.

#Falstaff. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

#Ford. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, orhalf, for easing me of the carriage.

#Falstaff. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

#Ford. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

#Falstaff. Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to beyour servant.

#Ford. Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be briefwith you,--and you have been a man long known to me,though I had never so good means, as desire, to makemyself acquainted with you. I shall discover athing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mineown imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you haveone eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,turn another into the register of your own; that Imay pass with a reproof the easier, sith youyourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

#Falstaff. Very well, sir; proceed.

#Ford. There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband'sname is Ford.

#Falstaff. Well, sir.

#Ford. I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,bestowed much on her; followed her with a dotingobservance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardlygive me sight of her; not only bought many presentsto give her, but have given largely to many to knowwhat she would have given; briefly, I have pursuedher as love hath pursued me; which hath been on thewing of all occasions. But whatsoever I havemerited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,I am sure, I have received none; unless experiencebe a jewel that I have purchased at an infiniterate, and that hath taught me to say this:'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'

#Falstaff. Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?

#Ford. Never.

#Falstaff. Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

#Ford. Never.

#Falstaff. Of what quality was your love, then?

#Ford. Like a fair house built on another man's ground; sothat I have lost my edifice by mistaking the placewhere I erected it.

#Falstaff. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

#Ford. When I have told you that, I have told you all.Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet inother places she enlargeth her mirth so far thatthere is shrewd construction made of her. Now, SirJohn, here is the heart of my purpose: you are agentleman of excellent breeding, admirablediscourse, of great admittance, authentic in yourplace and person, generally allowed for your manywar-like, court-like, and learned preparations.

#Falstaff. O, sir!

#Ford. Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spendit, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; onlygive me so much of your time in exchange of it, asto lay an amiable siege to the honesty of thisFord's wife: use your art of wooing; win her toconsent to you: if any man may, you may as soon asany.

#Falstaff. Would it apply well to the vehemency of youraffection, that I should win what you would enjoy?Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

#Ford. O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely onthe excellency of her honour, that the folly of mysoul dares not present itself: she is too bright tobe looked against. Now, could I could come to herwith any detection in my hand, my desires hadinstance and argument to commend themselves: Icould drive her then from the ward of her purity,her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousandother her defences, which now are too too stronglyembattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?

#Falstaff. Master Brook, I will first make bold with yourmoney; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am agentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

#Ford. O good sir!

#Falstaff. I say you shall.

#Ford. Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.

#Falstaff. Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall wantnone. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by herown appointment; even as you came in to me, herassistant or go-between parted from me: I say Ishall be with her between ten and eleven; for atthat time the jealous rascally knave her husbandwill be forth. Come you to me at night; you shallknow how I speed.

#Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,sir?

#Falstaff. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say thejealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for thewhich his wife seems to me well-favored. I willuse her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;and there's my harvest-home.

#Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid himif you saw him.

#Falstaff. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I willstare him out of his wits; I will awe him with mycudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er thecuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know Iwill predominate over the peasant, and thou shaltlie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave andcuckold. Come to me soon at night.

#[Exit]

#Ford. What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart isready to crack with impatience. Who says this isimprovident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; thehour is fixed; the match is made. Would any manhave thought this? See the hell of having a falsewoman! My bed shall be abused, my coffersransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall notonly receive this villanous wrong, but stand underthe adoption of abominable terms, and by him thatdoes me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon soundswell; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they aredevils' additions, the names of fiends: butCuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hathnot such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: hewill trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I willrather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hughthe Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with myaqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my amblinggelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,then she ruminates, then she devises; and what theythink in their hearts they may effect, they willbreak their hearts but they will effect. God bepraised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged onFalstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;better three hours too soon than a minute too late.Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!

#[Exit]

#Scene 3

A field near Windsor.

#[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY]

#Doctor Caius. Jack Rugby!

#Rugby. Sir?

#Doctor Caius. Vat is de clock, Jack?

#Rugby. 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.

#Doctor Caius. By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; hehas pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

#Rugby. He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would killhim, if he came.

#Doctor Caius. By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

#Rugby. Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

#Doctor Caius. Villany, take your rapier.

#Rugby. Forbear; here's company.

#[Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE]

#Host. Bless thee, bully doctor!

#Robert Shallow. Save you, Master Doctor Caius!

#Page. Now, good master doctor!

#Slender. Give you good morrow, sir.

#Doctor Caius. Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

#Host. To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see theetraverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; tosee thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thydistance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? ishe dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says myAEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! ishe dead, bully stale? is he dead?

#Doctor Caius. By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; heis not show his face.

#Host. Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!

#Doctor Caius. I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six orseven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

#Robert Shallow. He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer ofsouls, and you a curer of bodies; if you shouldfight, you go against the hair of your professions.Is it not true, Master Page?

#Page. Master Shallow, you have yourself been a greatfighter, though now a man of peace.

#Robert Shallow. Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and ofthe peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches tomake one. Though we are justices and doctors andchurchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of ouryouth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.

#Page. 'Tis true, Master Shallow.

#Robert Shallow. It will be found so, Master Page. Master DoctorCaius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn ofthe peace: you have showed yourself a wisephysician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wiseand patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.

#Host. Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.

#Doctor Caius. Mock-vater! vat is dat?

#Host. Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

#Doctor Caius. By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as deEnglishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, mevill cut his ears.

#Host. He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

#Doctor Caius. Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?

#Host. That is, he will make thee amends.

#Doctor Caius. By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;for, by gar, me vill have it.

#Host. And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.

#Doctor Caius. Me tank you for dat.

#Host. And, moreover, bully,--but first, master guest, andMaster Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go youthrough the town to Frogmore.

#[Aside to them]

#Page. Sir Hugh is there, is he?

#Host. He is there: see what humour he is in; and I willbring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

#Robert Shallow. We will do it.

#Page. [with Shallow and Slender] Adieu, good master doctor.

#[Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER]

#Doctor Caius. By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for ajack-an-ape to Anne Page.

#Host. Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw coldwater on thy choler: go about the fields with methrough Frogmore: I will bring thee where MistressAnne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thoushalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?

#Doctor Caius. By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

#Host. For the which I will be thy adversary toward AnnePage. Said I well?

#Doctor Caius. By gar, 'tis good; vell said.

#Host. Let us wag, then.

#Doctor Caius. Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

#[Exeunt]

Act 3

#Scene 1

A field near Frogmore.

#[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE]

#Sir Hugh Evans. I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,and friend Simple by your name, which way have youlooked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?

#Simple. Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, everyway; old Windsor way, and every way but the townway.

#Sir Hugh Evans. I most fehemently desire you you will also look thatway.

#Simple. I will, sir.

#[Exit]

#Sir Hugh Evans. 'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, andtrempling of mind! I shall be glad if he havedeceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knoghis urinals about his knave's costard when I havegood opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul![Sings]To shallow rivers, to whose fallsMelodious birds sings madrigals;There will we make our peds of roses,And a thousand fragrant posies.To shallow--Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.[Sings]Melodious birds sing madrigals--When as I sat in Pabylon--And a thousand vagram posies.To shallow &c.

#[Re-enter SIMPLE]

#Simple. Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

#Sir Hugh Evans. He's welcome.[Sings]To shallow rivers, to whose falls-Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

#Simple. No weapons, sir. There comes my master, MasterShallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, overthe stile, this way.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.

#[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER]

#Robert Shallow. How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good studentfrom his book, and it is wonderful.

#Slender. [Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!

#Page. 'Save you, good Sir Hugh!

#Sir Hugh Evans. 'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

#Robert Shallow. What, the sword and the word! do you study themboth, master parson?

#Page. And youthful still! in your doublet and hose thisraw rheumatic day!

#Sir Hugh Evans. There is reasons and causes for it.

#Page. We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Fery well: what is it?

#Page. Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belikehaving received wrong by some person, is at mostodds with his own gravity and patience that ever yousaw.

#Robert Shallow. I have lived fourscore years and upward; I neverheard a man of his place, gravity and learning, sowide of his own respect.

#Sir Hugh Evans. What is he?

#Page. I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, therenowned French physician.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had aslief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

#Page. Why?

#Sir Hugh Evans. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,--and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as youwould desires to be acquainted withal.

#Page. I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.

#Robert Shallow. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

#Robert Shallow. It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:here comes Doctor Caius.

#[Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY]

#Page. Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.

#Robert Shallow. So do you, good master doctor.

#Host. Disarm them, and let them question: let them keeptheir limbs whole and hack our English.

#Doctor Caius. I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

#Sir Hugh Evans. [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:in good time.

#Doctor Caius. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

#Sir Hugh Evans. [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not belaughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire youin friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.[Aloud]I will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscombfor missing your meetings and appointments.

#Doctor Caius. Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have Inot stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de placeI did appoint?

#Sir Hugh Evans. As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is theplace appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host ofthe Garter.

#Host. Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,soul-curer and body-curer!

#Doctor Caius. Ay, dat is very good; excellent.

#Host. Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am Ipolitic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall Ilose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and themotions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my SirHugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and theno-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give methy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I havedeceived you both; I have directed you to wrongplaces: your hearts are mighty, your skins arewhole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, laytheir swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;follow, follow, follow.

#Robert Shallow. Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

#Slender. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

#[Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host]

#Doctor Caius. Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot ofus, ha, ha?

#Sir Hugh Evans. This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. Idesire you that we may be friends; and let us knogour prains together to be revenge on this samescall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

#Doctor Caius. By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring mewhere is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 2

A street.

#[Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN]

#Mistress Page. Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont tobe a follower, but now you are a leader. Whetherhad you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?

#Robin. I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a manthan follow him like a dwarf.

#Mistress Page. O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.

#[Enter FORD]

#Ford. Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

#Mistress Page. Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

#Ford. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for wantof company. I think, if your husbands were dead,you two would marry.

#Mistress Page. Be sure of that,--two other husbands.

#Ford. Where had you this pretty weather-cock?

#Mistress Page. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is myhusband had him of. What do you call your knight'sname, sirrah?

#Robin. Sir John Falstaff.

#Ford. Sir John Falstaff!

#Mistress Page. He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such aleague between my good man and he! Is your wife athome indeed?

#Ford. Indeed she is.

#Mistress Page. By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.

#[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN]

#Ford. Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he anythinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, aseasy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelvescore. He pieces out his wife's inclination; hegives her folly motion and advantage: and now she'sgoing to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. Aman may hear this shower sing in the wind. AndFalstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;and our revolted wives share damnation together.Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluckthe borrowed veil of modesty from the so seemingMistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure andwilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings allmy neighbours shall cry aim.[Clock heard]The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids mesearch: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall berather praised for this than mocked; for it is aspositive as the earth is firm that Falstaff isthere: I will go.[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host,]SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY]

#Robert Shallow. [with Page and others] Well met, Master Ford.

#Ford. Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;and I pray you all go with me.

#Robert Shallow. I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

#Slender. And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine withMistress Anne, and I would not break with her formore money than I'll speak of.

#Robert Shallow. We have lingered about a match between Anne Page andmy cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

#Slender. I hope I have your good will, father Page.

#Page. You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.

#Doctor Caius. Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-aQuickly tell me so mush.

#Host. What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, hedances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, hespeaks holiday, he smells April and May: he willcarry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; hewill carry't.

#Page. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman isof no having: he kept company with the wild princeand Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows toomuch. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortuneswith the finger of my substance: if he take her,let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits onmy consent, and my consent goes not that way.

#Ford. I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with meto dinner: besides your cheer, you shall havesport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.

#Robert Shallow. Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooingat Master Page's.

#[Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER]

#Doctor Caius. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.

#[Exit RUGBY]

#Host. Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knightFalstaff, and drink canary with him.

#[Exit]

#Ford. [Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine firstwith him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?

#All. Have with you to see this monster.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 3

A room in FORD'S house.

#[Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE]

#Mistress Ford. What, John! What, Robert!

#Mistress Page. Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--

#Mistress Ford. I warrant. What, Robin, I say!

#[Enter Servants with a basket]

#Mistress Page. Come, come, come.

#Mistress Ford. Here, set it down.

#Mistress Page. Give your men the charge; we must be brief.

#Mistress Ford. Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, beready here hard by in the brew-house: and when Isuddenly call you, come forth, and without any pauseor staggering take this basket on your shoulders:that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carryit among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and thereempty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.

#Mistress Page. You will do it?

#Mistress Ford. I ha' told them over and over; they lack nodirection. Be gone, and come when you are called.

#[Exeunt Servants]

#Mistress Page. Here comes little Robin.

#[Enter ROBIN]

#Mistress Ford. How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?

#Robin. My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

#Mistress Page. You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

#Robin. Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of yourbeing here and hath threatened to put me intoeverlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for heswears he'll turn me away.

#Mistress Page. Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall bea tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doubletand hose. I'll go hide me.

#Mistress Ford. Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.[Exit ROBIN]Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

#Mistress Page. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.

#[Exit]

#Mistress Ford. Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to knowturtles from jays.

#[Enter FALSTAFF]

#Falstaff. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now letme die, for I have lived long enough: this is theperiod of my ambition: O this blessed hour!

#Mistress Ford. O sweet Sir John!

#Falstaff. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I wouldthy husband were dead: I'll speak it before thebest lord; I would make thee my lady.

#Mistress Ford. I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!

#Falstaff. Let the court of France show me such another. I seehow thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hastthe right arched beauty of the brow that becomes theship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire ofVenetian admittance.

#Mistress Ford. A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothingelse; nor that well neither.

#Falstaff. By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thouwouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firmfixture of thy foot would give an excellent motionto thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I seewhat thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Naturethy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

#Mistress Ford. Believe me, there is no such thing in me.

#Falstaff. What made me love thee? let that persuade theethere's something extraordinary in thee. Come, Icannot cog and say thou art this and that, like amany of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come likewomen in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersburyin simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; nonebut thee; and thou deservest it.

#Mistress Ford. Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

#Falstaff. Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by theCounter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reekof a lime-kiln.

#Mistress Ford. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall oneday find it.

#Falstaff. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.

#Mistress Ford. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could notbe in that mind.

#Robin. [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here'sMistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing andlooking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

#Falstaff. She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.

#Mistress Ford. Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.[FALSTAFF hides himself][Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN]What's the matter? how now!

#Mistress Page. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!

#Mistress Ford. What's the matter, good Mistress Page?

#Mistress Page. O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest manto your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

#Mistress Ford. What cause of suspicion?

#Mistress Page. What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am Imistook in you!

#Mistress Ford. Why, alas, what's the matter?

#Mistress Page. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all theofficers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman thathe says is here now in the house by your consent, totake an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.

#Mistress Ford. 'Tis not so, I hope.

#Mistress Page. Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a manhere! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such aone. I come before to tell you. If you knowyourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if youhave a friend here convey, convey him out. Be notamazed; call all your senses to you; defend yourreputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

#Mistress Ford. What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dearfriend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as hisperil: I had rather than a thousand pound he wereout of the house.

#Mistress Page. For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'youhad rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethinkyou of some conveyance: in the house you cannothide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, hereis a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, hemay creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, asif it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time--send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.

#Mistress Ford. He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?

#Falstaff. [Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, letme see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend'scounsel. I'll in.

#Mistress Page. What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?

#Falstaff. I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.I'll never--

#[Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen]

#Mistress Page. Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!

#Mistress Ford. What, John! Robert! John![Exit ROBIN][Re-enter Servants]Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's thecowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them tothe laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.

#[Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Ford. Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?

#Servant. To the laundress, forsooth.

#Mistress Ford. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? Youwere best meddle with buck-washing.

#Ford. Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;and of the season too, it shall appear.[Exeunt Servants with the basket]Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you mydream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend mychambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrantwe'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.[Locking the door]So, now uncape.

#Page. Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.

#Ford. True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall seesport anon: follow me, gentlemen.

#[Exit]

#Sir Hugh Evans. This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

#Doctor Caius. By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is notjealous in France.

#Page. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.

#[Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Mistress Page. Is there not a double excellency in this?

#Mistress Ford. I know not which pleases me better, that my husbandis deceived, or Sir John.

#Mistress Page. What a taking was he in when your husband asked whowas in the basket!

#Mistress Ford. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; sothrowing him into the water will do him a benefit.

#Mistress Page. Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the samestrain were in the same distress.

#Mistress Ford. I think my husband hath some special suspicion ofFalstaff's being here; for I never saw him so grossin his jealousy till now.

#Mistress Page. I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet havemore tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease willscarce obey this medicine.

#Mistress Ford. Shall we send that foolish carrion, MistressQuickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into thewater; and give him another hope, to betray him toanother punishment?

#Mistress Page. We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,eight o'clock, to have amends.

#[Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Ford. I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of thathe could not compass.

#Mistress Page. [Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?

#Mistress Ford. You use me well, Master Ford, do you?

#Ford. Ay, I do so.

#Mistress Ford. Heaven make you better than your thoughts!

#Ford. Amen!

#Mistress Page. You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

#Ford. Ay, ay; I must bear it.

#Sir Hugh Evans. If there be any pody in the house, and in thechambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!

#Doctor Caius. By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.

#Page. Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? Whatspirit, what devil suggests this imagination? Iwould not ha' your distemper in this kind for thewealth of Windsor Castle.

#Ford. 'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.

#Sir Hugh Evans. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is ashonest a 'omans as I will desires among fivethousand, and five hundred too.

#Doctor Caius. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.

#Ford. Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk inthe Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereaftermake known to you why I have done this. Come,wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;pray heartily, pardon me.

#Page. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mockhim. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my houseto breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; Ihave a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?

#Ford. Any thing.

#Sir Hugh Evans. If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

#Doctor Caius. If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.

#Ford. Pray you, go, Master Page.

#Sir Hugh Evans. I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousyknave, mine host.

#Doctor Caius. Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!

#Sir Hugh Evans. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 4

A room in PAGE'S house.

#[Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE]

#Fenton. I see I cannot get thy father's love;Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.

#Anne Page. Alas, how then?

#Fenton. Why, thou must be thyself.He doth object I am too great of birth--,And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,I seek to heal it only by his wealth:Besides these, other bars he lays before me,My riots past, my wild societies;And tells me 'tis a thing impossibleI should love thee but as a property.

#Anne Page. May be he tells you true.

#Fenton. No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!Albeit I will confess thy father's wealthWas the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more valueThan stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;And 'tis the very riches of thyselfThat now I aim at.

#Anne Page. Gentle Master Fenton,Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:If opportunity and humblest suitCannot attain it, why, then,--hark you hither!

#[They converse apart]

#[Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY]

#Robert Shallow. Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shallspeak for himself.

#Slender. I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis butventuring.

#Robert Shallow. Be not dismayed.

#Slender. No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,but that I am afeard.

#Hostess Quickly. Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you.

#Anne Page. I come to him.[Aside]This is my father's choice.O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faultsLooks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year!

#Hostess Quickly. And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you.

#Robert Shallow. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father!

#Slender. I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell yougood jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell MistressAnne the jest, how my father stole two geese out ofa pen, good uncle.

#Robert Shallow. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

#Slender. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman inGloucestershire.

#Robert Shallow. He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

#Slender. Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under thedegree of a squire.

#Robert Shallow. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.

#Anne Page. Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.

#Robert Shallow. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that goodcomfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.

#Anne Page. Now, Master Slender,--

#Slender. Now, good Mistress Anne,--

#Anne Page. What is your will?

#Slender. My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jestindeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; Iam not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.

#Anne Page. I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?

#Slender. Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothingwith you. Your father and my uncle hath mademotions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man behis dole! They can tell you how things go betterthan I can: you may ask your father; here he comes.

#[Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE]

#Page. Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here?You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.

#Fenton. Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.

#Mistress Page. Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

#Page. She is no match for you.

#Fenton. Sir, will you hear me?

#Page. No, good Master Fenton.Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.

#[Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER]

#Hostess Quickly. Speak to Mistress Page.

#Fenton. Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughterIn such a righteous fashion as I do,Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners,I must advance the colours of my loveAnd not retire: let me have your good will.

#Anne Page. Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.

#Mistress Page. I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.

#Hostess Quickly. That's my master, master doctor.

#Anne Page. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earthAnd bowl'd to death with turnips!

#Mistress Page. Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,I will not be your friend nor enemy:My daughter will I question how she loves you,And as I find her, so am I affected.Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in;Her father will be angry.

#Fenton. Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.

#[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE]

#Hostess Quickly. This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you castaway your child on a fool, and a physician? Look onMaster Fenton:' this is my doing.

#Fenton. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-nightGive my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains.

#Hostess Quickly. Now heaven send thee good fortune![Exit FENTON]A kind heart he hath: a woman would run throughfire and water for such a kind heart. But yet Iwould my master had Mistress Anne; or I wouldMaster Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would MasterFenton had her; I will do what I can for them allthree; for so I have promised, and I'll be as goodas my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff frommy two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!

#[Exit]

#Scene 5

A room in the Garter Inn.

#[Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH]

#Falstaff. Bardolph, I say,--

#Bardolph. Here, sir.

#Falstaff. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.[Exit BARDOLPH]Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like abarrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in theThames? Well, if I be served such another trick,I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and givethem to a dog for a new-year's gift. The roguesslighted me into the river with as little remorse asthey would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my sizethat I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if thebottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I hadbeen drowned, but that the shore was shelvy andshallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swellsa man; and what a thing should I have been when Ihad been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.

#[Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack]

#Bardolph. Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

#Falstaff. Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for mybelly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs forpills to cool the reins. Call her in.

#Bardolph. Come in, woman!

#[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]

#Hostess Quickly. By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worshipgood morrow.

#Falstaff. Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle ofsack finely.

#Bardolph. With eggs, sir?

#Falstaff. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.[Exit BARDOLPH]How now!

#Hostess Quickly. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

#Falstaff. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was throwninto the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

#Hostess Quickly. Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.

#Falstaff. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.

#Hostess Quickly. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearnyour heart to see it. Her husband goes this morninga-birding; she desires you once more to come to herbetween eight and nine: I must carry her wordquickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.

#Falstaff. Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid herthink what a man is: let her consider his frailty,and then judge of my merit.

#Hostess Quickly. I will tell her.

#Falstaff. Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?

#Hostess Quickly. Eight and nine, sir.

#Falstaff. Well, be gone: I will not miss her.

#Hostess Quickly. Peace be with you, sir.

#[Exit]

#Falstaff. I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me wordto stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.

#[Enter FORD]

#Ford. Bless you, sir!

#Falstaff. Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passedbetween me and Ford's wife?

#Ford. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.

#Falstaff. Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at herhouse the hour she appointed me.

#Ford. And sped you, sir?

#Falstaff. Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.

#Ford. How so, sir? Did she change her determination?

#Falstaff. No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto herhusband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of ourencounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thitherprovoked and instigated by his distemper, and,forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.

#Ford. What, while you were there?

#Falstaff. While I was there.

#Ford. And did he search for you, and could not find you?

#Falstaff. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comesin one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford'sapproach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife'sdistraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

#Ford. A buck-basket!

#Falstaff. By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foulshirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasynapkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankestcompound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.

#Ford. And how long lay you there?

#Falstaff. Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I havesuffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford'sknaves, his hinds, were called forth by theirmistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes toDatchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; metthe jealous knave their master in the door, whoasked them once or twice what they had in theirbasket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knavewould have searched it; but fate, ordaining heshould be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went hefor a search, and away went I for foul clothes. Butmark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangsof three several deaths; first, an intolerablefright, to be detected with a jealous rottenbell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a goodbilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt topoint, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,like a strong distillation, with stinking clothesthat fretted in their own grease: think of that,--aman of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subjectto heat as butter; a man of continual dissolutionand thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.And in the height of this bath, when I was more thanhalf stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to bethrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think ofthat,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.

#Ford. In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake youhave sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;you'll undertake her no more?

#Falstaff. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I havebeen into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Herhusband is this morning gone a-birding: I havereceived from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixteight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.

#Ford. 'Tis past eight already, sir.

#Falstaff. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shallknow how I speed; and the conclusion shall becrowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shallhave her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shallcuckold Ford.

#[Exit]

#Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do Isleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linenand buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myselfwhat I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at myhouse; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible heshould; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil thatguides him should aid him, I will searchimpossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb gowith me: I'll be horn-mad.

#[Exit]

Act 4

#Scene 1

A street.

#[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM PAGE]

#Mistress Page. Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?

#Hostess Quickly. Sure he is by this, or will be presently: but,truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwinginto the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.

#Mistress Page. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my youngman here to school. Look, where his master comes;'tis a playing-day, I see.[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS]How now, Sir Hugh! no school to-day?

#Sir Hugh Evans. No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.

#Hostess Quickly. Blessing of his heart!

#Mistress Page. Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing inthe world at his book. I pray you, ask him somequestions in his accidence.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.

#Mistress Page. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer yourmaster, be not afraid.

#Sir Hugh Evans. William, how many numbers is in nouns?

#William Page. Two.

#Hostess Quickly. Truly, I thought there had been one number more,because they say, ''Od's nouns.'

#Sir Hugh Evans. Peace your tattlings! What is 'fair,' William?

#William Page. Pulcher.

#Hostess Quickly. Polecats! there are fairer things than polecats, sure.

#Sir Hugh Evans. You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you peace.What is 'lapis,' William?

#William Page. A stone.

#Sir Hugh Evans. And what is 'a stone,' William?

#William Page. A pebble.

#Sir Hugh Evans. No, it is 'lapis:' I pray you, remember in your prain.

#William Page. Lapis.

#Sir Hugh Evans. That is a good William. What is he, William, thatdoes lend articles?

#William Page. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thusdeclined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark:genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?

#William Page. Accusativo, hinc.

#Sir Hugh Evans. I pray you, have your remembrance, child,accusative, hung, hang, hog.

#Hostess Quickly. 'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focativecase, William?

#William Page. O,--vocativo, O.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Remember, William; focative is caret.

#Hostess Quickly. And that's a good root.

#Sir Hugh Evans. 'Oman, forbear.

#Mistress Page. Peace!

#Sir Hugh Evans. What is your genitive case plural, William?

#William Page. Genitive case!

#Sir Hugh Evans. Ay.

#William Page. Genitive,--horum, harum, horum.

#Hostess Quickly. Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her! never nameher, child, if she be a whore.

#Sir Hugh Evans. For shame, 'oman.

#Hostess Quickly. You do ill to teach the child such words: heteaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll dofast enough of themselves, and to call 'horum:' fie upon you!

#Sir Hugh Evans. 'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou nounderstandings for thy cases and the numbers of thegenders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures asI would desires.

#Mistress Page. Prithee, hold thy peace.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.

#William Page. Forsooth, I have forgot.

#Sir Hugh Evans. It is qui, quae, quod: if you forget your 'quies,'your 'quaes,' and your 'quods,' you must bepreeches. Go your ways, and play; go.

#Mistress Page. He is a better scholar than I thought he was.

#Sir Hugh Evans. He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.

#Mistress Page. Adieu, good Sir Hugh.[Exit SIR HUGH EVANS]Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 2

A room in FORD'S house.

#[Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD]

#Falstaff. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up mysufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love,and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; notonly, Mistress Ford, in the simpleoffice of love, but in all the accoutrement,complement and ceremony of it. But are yousure of your husband now?

#Mistress Ford. He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.

#Mistress Page. [Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!

#Mistress Ford. Step into the chamber, Sir John.

#[Exit FALSTAFF]

#[Enter MISTRESS PAGE]

#Mistress Page. How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself?

#Mistress Ford. Why, none but mine own people.

#Mistress Page. Indeed!

#Mistress Ford. No, certainly.[Aside to her]Speak louder.

#Mistress Page. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

#Mistress Ford. Why?

#Mistress Page. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:he so takes on yonder with my husband; so railsagainst all married mankind; so curses all Eve'sdaughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffetshimself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peerout!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed buttameness, civility and patience, to this hisdistemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.

#Mistress Ford. Why, does he talk of him?

#Mistress Page. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, thelast time he searched for him, in a basket; proteststo my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him andthe rest of their company from their sport, to makeanother experiment of his suspicion: but I am gladthe knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.

#Mistress Ford. How near is he, Mistress Page?

#Mistress Page. Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.

#Mistress Ford. I am undone! The knight is here.

#Mistress Page. Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a deadman. What a woman are you!--Away with him, awaywith him! better shame than murder.

#Ford. Which way should be go? how should I bestow him?Shall I put him into the basket again?

#[Re-enter FALSTAFF]

#Falstaff. No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not goout ere he come?

#Mistress Page. Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the doorwith pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwiseyou might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?

#Falstaff. What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.

#Mistress Ford. There they always use to discharge theirbirding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.

#Falstaff. Where is it?

#Mistress Ford. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath anabstract for the remembrance of such places, andgoes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.

#Falstaff. I'll go out then.

#Mistress Page. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, SirJohn. Unless you go out disguised--

#Mistress Ford. How might we disguise him?

#Mistress Page. Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gownbig enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.

#Falstaff. Good hearts, devise something: any extremity ratherthan a mischief.

#Mistress Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has agown above.

#Mistress Page. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as heis: and there's her thrummed hat and her mufflertoo. Run up, Sir John.

#Mistress Ford. Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I willlook some linen for your head.

#Mistress Page. Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: puton the gown the while.

#[Exit FALSTAFF]

#Mistress Ford. I would my husband would meet him in this shape: hecannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swearsshe's a witch; forbade her my house and haththreatened to beat her.

#Mistress Page. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and thedevil guide his cudgel afterwards!

#Mistress Ford. But is my husband coming?

#Mistress Page. Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the baskettoo, howsoever he hath had intelligence.

#Mistress Ford. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry thebasket again, to meet him at the door with it, asthey did last time.

#Mistress Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress himlike the witch of Brentford.

#Mistress Ford. I'll first direct my men what they shall do with thebasket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.

#[Exit]

#Mistress Page. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:We do not act that often jest and laugh;'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.

#[Exit]

#[Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants]

#Mistress Ford. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:your master is hard at door; if he bid you set itdown, obey him: quickly, dispatch.

#[Exit]

#First Servant. Come, come, take it up.

#Second Servant. Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

#First Servant. I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.

#[Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you anyway then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, apack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devilbe shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!

#Page. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to goloose any longer; you must be pinioned.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog!

#Robert Shallow. Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.

#Ford. So say I too, sir.[Re-enter MISTRESS FORD]Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honestwoman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, thathath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspectwithout cause, mistress, do I?

#Mistress Ford. Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me inany dishonesty.

#Ford. Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah!

#[Pulling clothes out of the basket]

#Page. This passes!

#Mistress Ford. Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.

#Ford. I shall find you anon.

#Sir Hugh Evans. 'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife'sclothes? Come away.

#Ford. Empty the basket, I say!

#Mistress Ford. Why, man, why?

#Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyedout of my house yesterday in this basket: why maynot he be there again? In my house I am sure he is:my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.Pluck me out all the linen.

#Mistress Ford. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.

#Page. Here's no man.

#Robert Shallow. By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; thiswrongs you.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow theimaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.

#Ford. Well, he's not here I seek for.

#Page. No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

#Ford. Help to search my house this one time. If I findnot what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; letme for ever be your table-sport; let them say ofme, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollowwalnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more;once more search with me.

#Mistress Ford. What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old womandown; my husband will come into the chamber.

#Ford. Old woman! what old woman's that?

#Mistress Ford. Nay, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.

#Ford. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I notforbid her my house? She comes of errands, doesshe? We are simple men; we do not know what'sbrought to pass under the profession offortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells,by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyondour element we know nothing. Come down, you witch,you hag, you; come down, I say!

#Mistress Ford. Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let himnot strike the old woman.

#[Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE]

#Mistress Page. Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.

#Ford. I'll prat her.[Beating him]Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, youpolecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll conjure you,I'll fortune-tell you.

#[Exit FALSTAFF]

#Mistress Page. Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed thepoor woman.

#Mistress Ford. Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.

#Ford. Hang her, witch!

#Sir Hugh Evans. By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witchindeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard;I spy a great peard under his muffler.

#Ford. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow;see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thusupon no trail, never trust me when I open again.

#Page. Let's obey his humour a little further: come,gentlemen.

#[Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Mistress Page. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

#Mistress Ford. Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him mostunpitifully, methought.

#Mistress Page. I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er thealtar; it hath done meritorious service.

#Mistress Ford. What think you? may we, with the warrant ofwomanhood and the witness of a good conscience,pursue him with any further revenge?

#Mistress Page. The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out ofhim: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, withfine and recovery, he will never, I think, in theway of waste, attempt us again.

#Mistress Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?

#Mistress Page. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape thefigures out of your husband's brains. If they canfind in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knightshall be any further afflicted, we two will still bethe ministers.

#Mistress Ford. I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: andmethinks there would be no period to the jest,should he not be publicly shamed.

#Mistress Page. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I wouldnot have things cool.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 3

A room in the Garter Inn.

#[Enter Host and BARDOLPH]

#Bardolph. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of yourhorses: the duke himself will be to-morrow atcourt, and they are going to meet him.

#Host. What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hearnot of him in the court. Let me speak with thegentlemen: they speak English?

#Bardolph. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you.

#Host. They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay;I'll sauce them: they have had my house a week atcommand; I have turned away my other guests: theymust come off; I'll sauce them. Come.

#[Exeunt] [Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD,] and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Scene 4

A room in FORD'S house.

#Sir Hugh Evans. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as everI did look upon.

#Page. And did he send you both these letters at an instant?

#Mistress Page. Within a quarter of an hour.

#Ford. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt;I rather will suspect the sun with coldThan thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour standIn him that was of late an heretic,As firm as faith.

#Page. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more:Be not as extreme in submissionAs in offence.But let our plot go forward: let our wivesYet once again, to make us public sport,Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.

#Ford. There is no better way than that they spoke of.

#Page. How? to send him word they'll meet him in the parkat midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come.

#Sir Hugh Evans. You say he has been thrown in the rivers and hasbeen grievously peaten as an old 'oman: methinksthere should be terrors in him that he should notcome; methinks his flesh is punished, he shall haveno desires.

#Page. So think I too.

#Mistress Ford. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,And let us two devise to bring him thither.

#Mistress Page. There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter,Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest,Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;And there he blasts the tree and takes the cattleAnd makes milch-kine yield blood and shakes a chainIn a most hideous and dreadful manner:You have heard of such a spirit, and well you knowThe superstitious idle-headed eldReceived and did deliver to our ageThis tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.

#Page. Why, yet there want not many that do fearIn deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak:But what of this?

#Mistress Ford. Marry, this is our device;That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.

#Page. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come:And in this shape when you have brought him thither,What shall be done with him? what is your plot?

#Mistress Page. That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:Nan Page my daughter and my little sonAnd three or four more of their growth we'll dressLike urchins, ouphes and fairies, green and white,With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,And rattles in their hands: upon a sudden,As Falstaff, she and I, are newly met,Let them from forth a sawpit rush at onceWith some diffused song: upon their sight,We two in great amazedness will fly:Then let them all encircle him aboutAnd, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight,And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,In their so sacred paths he dares to treadIn shape profane.

#Mistress Ford. And till he tell the truth,Let the supposed fairies pinch him soundAnd burn him with their tapers.

#Mistress Page. The truth being known,We'll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,And mock him home to Windsor.

#Ford. The children mustBe practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.

#Sir Hugh Evans. I will teach the children their behaviors; and Iwill be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn theknight with my taber.

#Ford. That will be excellent. I'll go and buy them vizards.

#Mistress Page. My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,Finely attired in a robe of white.

#Page. That silk will I go buy.[Aside]And in that timeShall Master Slender steal my Nan awayAnd marry her at Eton. Go send to Falstaff straight.

#Ford. Nay I'll to him again in name of BrookHe'll tell me all his purpose: sure, he'll come.

#Mistress Page. Fear not you that. Go get us propertiesAnd tricking for our fairies.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures and feryhonest knaveries.

#[Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Mistress Page. Go, Mistress Ford,Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.[Exit MISTRESS FORD]I'll to the doctor: he hath my good will,And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;And he my husband best of all affects.The doctor is well money'd, and his friendsPotent at court: he, none but he, shall have her,Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.

#[Exit]

#Scene 5

A room in the Garter Inn.

#[Enter Host and SIMPLE]

#Host. What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

#Simple. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstafffrom Master Slender.

#Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, hisstanding-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted aboutwith the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Goknock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginianunto thee: knock, I say.

#Simple. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into hischamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she comedown; I come to speak with her, indeed.

#Host. Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'llcall. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak fromthy lungs military: art thou there? it is thinehost, thine Ephesian, calls.

#Falstaff. [Above] How now, mine host!

#Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down ofthy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let herdescend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?fie!

#[Enter FALSTAFF]

#Falstaff. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now withme; but she's gone.

#Simple. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman ofBrentford?

#Falstaff. Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?

#Simple. My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeingher go through the streets, to know, sir, whetherone Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had thechain or no.

#Falstaff. I spake with the old woman about it.

#Simple. And what says she, I pray, sir?

#Falstaff. Marry, she says that the very same man thatbeguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him ofit.

#Simple. I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;I had other things to have spoken with her too fromhim.

#Falstaff. What are they? let us know.

#Host. Ay, come; quick.

#Simple. I may not conceal them, sir.

#Host. Conceal them, or thou diest.

#Simple. Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress AnnePage; to know if it were my master's fortune tohave her or no.

#Falstaff. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

#Simple. What, sir?

#Falstaff. To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.

#Simple. May I be bold to say so, sir?

#Falstaff. Ay, sir; like who more bold.

#Simple. I thank your worship: I shall make my master gladwith these tidings.

#[Exit]

#Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Wasthere a wise woman with thee?

#Falstaff. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taughtme more wit than ever I learned before in my life;and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid formy learning.

#[Enter BARDOLPH]

#Bardolph. Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!

#Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.

#Bardolph. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I camebeyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one ofthem, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

#Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do notsay they be fled; Germans are honest men.

#[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS]

#Sir Hugh Evans. Where is mine host?

#Host. What is the matter, sir?

#Sir Hugh Evans. Have a care of your entertainments: there is afriend of mine come to town tells me there is threecozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts ofReadins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses andmoney. I tell you for good will, look you: youare wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

#[Exit]

#[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS]

#Doctor Caius. Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

#Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

#Doctor Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me datyou make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: bymy trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know tocome. I tell you for good vill: adieu.

#[Exit]

#Host. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I amundone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!

#[Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH]

#Falstaff. I would all the world might be cozened; for I havebeen cozened and beaten too. If it should come tothe ear of the court, how I have been transformedand how my transformation hath been washed andcudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop bydrop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrantthey would whip me with their fine wits till I wereas crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prosperedsince I forswore myself at primero. Well, if mywind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]Now, whence come you?

#Hostess Quickly. From the two parties, forsooth.

#Falstaff. The devil take one party and his dam the other! andso they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered morefor their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancyof man's disposition is able to bear.

#Hostess Quickly. And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see awhite spot about her.

#Falstaff. What tellest thou me of black and blue? I wasbeaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;and I was like to be apprehended for the witch ofBrentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' thestocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.

#Hostess Quickly. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: youshall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to yourcontent. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Goodhearts, what ado here is to bring you together!Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, thatyou are so crossed.

#Falstaff. Come up into my chamber.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 6

Another room in the Garter Inn.

#[Enter FENTON and Host]

#Host. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy: Iwill give over all.

#Fenton. Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give theeA hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

#Host. I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will at theleast keep your counsel.

#Fenton. From time to time I have acquainted youWith the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;Who mutually hath answer'd my affection,So far forth as herself might be her chooser,Even to my wish: I have a letter from herOf such contents as you will wonder at;The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,That neither singly can be manifested,Without the show of both; fat FalstaffHath a great scene: the image of the jestI'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;The purpose why, is here: in which disguise,While other jests are something rank on foot,Her father hath commanded her to slipAway with Slender and with him at EtonImmediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,Her mother, ever strong against that matchAnd firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointedThat he shall likewise shuffle her away,While other sports are tasking of their minds,And at the deanery, where a priest attends,Straight marry her: to this her mother's plotShe seemingly obedient likewise hathMade promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:Her father means she shall be all in white,And in that habit, when Slender sees his timeTo take her by the hand and bid her go,She shall go with him: her mother hath intended,The better to denote her to the doctor,For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head;And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,The maid hath given consent to go with him.

#Host. Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

#Fenton. Both, my good host, to go along with me:And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicarTo stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one,And, in the lawful name of marrying,To give our hearts united ceremony.

#Host. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

#Fenton. So shall I evermore be bound to thee;Besides, I'll make a present recompense.

#[Exeunt]

Act 5

#Scene 1

A room in the Garter Inn.

#[Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY]

#Falstaff. Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll hold. This isthe third time; I hope good luck lies in oddnumbers. Away I go. They say there is divinity inodd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!

#Hostess Quickly. I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I can toget you a pair of horns.

#Falstaff. Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and mince.[Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY][Enter FORD]How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matterwill be known to-night, or never. Be you in thePark about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shallsee wonders.

#Ford. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told meyou had appointed?

#Falstaff. I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poorold man: but I came from her, Master Brook, like apoor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband,hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him,Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tellyou: he beat me grievously, in the shape of awoman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fearnot Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I knowalso life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go alongwith me: I'll tell you all, Master Brook. Since Iplucked geese, played truant and whipped top, I knewnot what 'twas to be beaten till lately. Followme: I'll tell you strange things of this knaveFord, on whom to-night I will be revenged, and Iwill deliver his wife into your hand. Follow.Strange things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 2

Windsor Park.

#[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER]

#Page. Come, come; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch till wesee the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender,my daughter.

#Slender. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her and we have anay-word how to know one another: I come to her inwhite, and cry 'mum;' she cries 'budget;' and bythat we know one another.

#Robert Shallow. That's good too: but what needs either your 'mum'or her 'budget?' the white will decipher her wellenough. It hath struck ten o'clock.

#Page. The night is dark; light and spirits will become itwell. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evilbut the devil, and we shall know him by his horns.Let's away; follow me.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 3

A street leading to the Park.

#[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS]

#Mistress Page. Master doctor, my daughter is in green: when yousee your time, take her by the band, away with herto the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go beforeinto the Park: we two must go together.

#Doctor Caius. I know vat I have to do. Adieu.

#Mistress Page. Fare you well, sir.[Exit DOCTOR CAIUS]My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse ofFalstaff as he will chafe at the doctor's marryingmy daughter: but 'tis no matter; better a littlechiding than a great deal of heart-break.

#Mistress Ford. Where is Nan now and her troop of fairies, and theWelsh devil Hugh?

#Mistress Page. They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's oak,with obscured lights; which, at the very instant ofFalstaff's and our meeting, they will at oncedisplay to the night.

#Mistress Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him.

#Mistress Page. If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he beamazed, he will every way be mocked.

#Mistress Ford. We'll betray him finely.

#Mistress Page. Against such lewdsters and their lecheryThose that betray them do no treachery.

#Mistress Ford. The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 4

Windsor Park.

#[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS, disguised, with others as Fairies]

#Sir Hugh Evans. Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts:be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit; andwhen I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid you:come, come; trib, trib.

#[Exeunt]

#Scene 5

Another part of the Park.

#[Enter FALSTAFF disguised as Herne]

#Falstaff. The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minutedraws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me!Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; loveset on thy horns. O powerful love! that, in somerespects, makes a beast a man, in some other, a mana beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the loveof Leda. O omnipotent Love! how near the god drewto the complexion of a goose! A fault done first inthe form of a beast. O Jove, a beastly fault! Andthen another fault in the semblance of a fowl; thinkon 't, Jove; a foul fault! When gods have hotbacks, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here aWindsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i' theforest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who canblame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? mydoe?

#[Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE]

#Mistress Ford. Sir John! art thou there, my deer? my male deer?

#Falstaff. My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rainpotatoes; let it thunder to the tune of GreenSleeves, hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes; letthere come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.

#Mistress Ford. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.

#Falstaff. Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch: I willkeep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellowof this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands.Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter?Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makesrestitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!

#[Noise within]

#Mistress Page. Alas, what noise?

#Mistress Ford. Heaven forgive our sins

#Falstaff. What should this be?

#Mistress Ford. [with Mistress Page] Away, away!

#[They run off]

#Falstaff. I think the devil will not have me damned, lest theoil that's in me should set hell on fire; he wouldnever else cross me thus.[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS, disguised as before; PISTOL,]as Hobgoblin; MISTRESS QUICKLY, ANNE PAGE, andothers, as Fairies, with tapers]

#Hostess Quickly. Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,You moonshine revellers and shades of night,You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,Attend your office and your quality.Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.

#Pistol. Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:Where fires thou find'st unraked and hearths unswept,There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry:Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.

#Falstaff. They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die:I'll wink and couch: no man their works must eye.

#[Lies down upon his face]

#Sir Hugh Evans. Where's Bede? Go you, and where you find a maidThat, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,Raise up the organs of her fantasy;Sleep she as sound as careless infancy:But those as sleep and think not on their sins,Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and shins.

#Hostess Quickly. About, about;Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out:Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room:. That it may stand till the perpetual doom,In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,Worthy the owner, and the owner it.The several chairs of order look you scourWith juice of balm and every precious flower:Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest,With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring:The expressure that it bears, green let it be,More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' writeIn emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white;Let sapphire, pearl and rich embroidery,Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee:Fairies use flowers for their charactery.Away; disperse: but till 'tis one o'clock,Our dance of custom round about the oakOf Herne the hunter, let us not forget.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order setAnd twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,To guide our measure round about the tree.But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth.

#Falstaff. Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest hetransform me to a piece of cheese!

#Pistol. Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth.

#Hostess Quickly. With trial-fire touch me his finger-end:If he be chaste, the flame will back descendAnd turn him to no pain; but if he start,It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.

#Pistol. A trial, come.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Come, will this wood take fire?

#[They burn him with their tapers]

#Falstaff. Oh, Oh, Oh!

#Hostess Quickly. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme;And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.SONG.Fie on sinful fantasy!Fie on lust and luxury!Lust is but a bloody fire,Kindled with unchaste desire,Fed in heart, whose flames aspireAs thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.Pinch him, fairies, mutually;Pinch him for his villany;Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about,Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.[During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR CAIUS]comes one way, and steals away a boy in green;SLENDER another way, and takes off a boy in white;and FENTON comes and steals away ANN PAGE.A noise of hunting is heard within. All theFairies run away. FALSTAFF pulls off his buck'shead, and rises]

#[Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, and MISTRESS FORD]

#Page. Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you nowWill none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?

#Mistress Page. I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higherNow, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?See you these, husband? do not these fair yokesBecome the forest better than the town?

#Ford. Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master Brook,Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are hishorns, Master Brook: and, Master Brook, he hathenjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket, hiscudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must bepaid to Master Brook; his horses are arrested forit, Master Brook.

#Mistress Ford. Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never meet.I will never take you for my love again; but I willalways count you my deer.

#Falstaff. I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

#Ford. Ay, and an ox too: both the proofs are extant.

#Falstaff. And these are not fairies? I was three or fourtimes in the thought they were not fairies: and yetthe guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of mypowers, drove the grossness of the foppery into areceived belief, in despite of the teeth of allrhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See nowhow wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent, when 'tis uponill employment!

#Sir Hugh Evans. Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave yourdesires, and fairies will not pinse you.

#Ford. Well said, fairy Hugh.

#Sir Hugh Evans. And leave your jealousies too, I pray you.

#Ford. I will never mistrust my wife again till thou artable to woo her in good English.

#Falstaff. Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, thatit wants matter to prevent so gross o'erreaching asthis? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? shall Ihave a coxcomb of frize? 'Tis time I were chokedwith a piece of toasted cheese.

#Sir Hugh Evans. Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all putter.

#Falstaff. 'Seese' and 'putter'! have I lived to stand at thetaunt of one that makes fritters of English? Thisis enough to be the decay of lust and late-walkingthrough the realm.

#Mistress Page. Why Sir John, do you think, though we would have thevirtue out of our hearts by the head and shouldersand have given ourselves without scruple to hell,that ever the devil could have made you our delight?

#Ford. What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?

#Mistress Page. A puffed man?

#Page. Old, cold, withered and of intolerable entrails?

#Ford. And one that is as slanderous as Satan?

#Page. And as poor as Job?

#Ford. And as wicked as his wife?

#Sir Hugh Evans. And given to fornications, and to taverns and sackand wine and metheglins, and to drinkings andswearings and starings, pribbles and prabbles?

#Falstaff. Well, I am your theme: you have the start of me; Iam dejected; I am not able to answer the Welshflannel; ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me: useme as you will.

#Ford. Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to oneMaster Brook, that you have cozened of money, towhom you should have been a pander: over and abovethat you have suffered, I think to repay that moneywill be a biting affliction.

#Page. Yet be cheerful, knight: thou shalt eat a possetto-night at my house; where I will desire thee tolaugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee: tell herMaster Slender hath married her daughter.

#Mistress Page. [Aside] Doctors doubt that: if Anne Page be mydaughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife.

#[Enter SLENDER]

#Slender. Whoa ho! ho, father Page!

#Page. Son, how now! how now, son! have you dispatched?

#Slender. Dispatched! I'll make the best in Gloucestershireknow on't; would I were hanged, la, else.

#Page. Of what, son?

#Slender. I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page,and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not beeni' the church, I would have swinged him, or heshould have swinged me. If I did not think it hadbeen Anne Page, would I might never stir!--and 'tisa postmaster's boy.

#Page. Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.

#Slender. What need you tell me that? I think so, when I tooka boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, forall he was in woman's apparel, I would not have hadhim.

#Page. Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you howyou should know my daughter by her garments?

#Slender. I went to her in white, and cried 'mum,' and shecried 'budget,' as Anne and I had appointed; and yetit was not Anne, but a postmaster's boy.

#Mistress Page. Good George, be not angry: I knew of your purpose;turned my daughter into green; and, indeed, she isnow with the doctor at the deanery, and there married.

#[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS]

#Doctor Caius. Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened: I ha'married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy;it is not Anne Page: by gar, I am cozened.

#Mistress Page. Why, did you take her in green?

#Doctor Caius. Ay, by gar, and 'tis a boy: by gar, I'll raise all Windsor.

#[Exit]

#Ford. This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?

#Page. My heart misgives me: here comes Master Fenton.[Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE]How now, Master Fenton!

#Anne Page. Pardon, good father! good my mother, pardon!

#Page. Now, mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender?

#Mistress Page. Why went you not with master doctor, maid?

#Fenton. You do amaze her: hear the truth of it.You would have married her most shamefully,Where there was no proportion held in love.The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.The offence is holy that she hath committed;And this deceit loses the name of craft,Of disobedience, or unduteous title,Since therein she doth evitate and shunA thousand irreligious cursed hours,Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.

#Ford. Stand not amazed; here is no remedy:In love the heavens themselves do guide the state;Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.

#Falstaff. I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand tostrike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.

#Page. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!What cannot be eschew'd must be embraced.

#Falstaff. When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.

#Mistress Page. Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton,Heaven give you many, many merry days!Good husband, let us every one go home,And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire;Sir John and all.

#Ford. Let it be so. Sir John,To Master Brook you yet shall hold your wordFor he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford.

#[Exeunt]